I Choose Me First - By Britt Crytes
Taking Her Addiction and Turning It Into Actions
When I was young I had big dreams. I had a limitless mind. I was addicted to the joy of living. I loved to bring other people joy.
Fast forward 20 years…
I didn't have any dreams. My mind was limited by the many negative beliefs I'd developed about myself/the world. I was addicted to alcohol. However, I still loved to bring other people joy.
On November 18, 2019, I woke up hungover and full of guilt. "How did I get here?" ringing through my mind. I had already gone through a sobriety journey once after asking myself this very question from a jail cell one year ago. Yet here I was again. I couldn't stop thinking about what other people were going to think of me. I had failed at everything, including recovery. I laid there for a few minutes in silence, while every cell in my body was screaming. I had two choices: stay in bed all day and start this cycle again, or get the heck up and decide to start taking control of my life. There was one place I knew I could go, but I feared judgement since I had already "let them down" before. I’m very proud to say I went anyways, and that day I walked back into the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous.
At this point the pain and discomfort of not changing my habits was far worse than facing the pain and discomfort of starting to change. Not only was I ditching the drink, I had to finally get to the bottom of WHY I got here in the first place. When did I give up on my hopes and dreams? When did I decide that I wasn’t enough? Was that the cause - That nagging limiting belief that I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough, fit enough, skinny enough, liked enough, accepted enough?
Well, enough was enough. I walked into those doors a different person that day. And you know what I left behind? My ego. That thing that had been holding me back this whole time. I had been dragging it around, banging it on everything and everyone in my path. I thought back to the little girl that I was 20 years ago, and I saw something different. It was in her eyes. They had this brightness and beamed of purpose. I wanted it back - I needed it!
I had spent the last 10 years wrapped in my own prison. I would wake up every day hating myself for what I did the day before, and dreading who I would be today. I had nothing left to be proud of. I had terrible relationships. I was stuck in a toxic work industry. I couldn’t manage even my smallest responsibilities.
This time it was going to be about me, and not about proving anything to anyone else. I made the decision to go back to AA, but that wasn’t what saved me. It was deciding to take accountability for my recovery. I had to dig deep. I had to go back to times that I had shut out for so long. Memories of abuse and abandonment. Things that still so deeply affected me. I felt like I was showing up to a jobsite past the deadline, without any of the necessary tools to start it. All I knew was I had three beautiful children that needed me, a wonderful partner who supported me, and a whole lot of faith that I was going to make it through. Somehow.
I had to start "small." I had to do what I could, with what I had, where I was. I started watching the people I looked up to a little closer. I read the book "Girl Wash Your Face" because I did not know how to "properly" wash my face and I thought it was actually going to help - which I still laugh to myself about today. I started taking the advice, even when I thought it was nuts. I started journaling and getting to know myself - my thoughts, feelings, likes, and dislikes. I almost felt like a stranger in my own body. But, I took it as a chance to start over. I started listening to podcasts, reading books, and filling my mind with positive words. Something I had never been capable of on my own. I listened to them, and read them over and over again until I believed it. I started saying no to others, so I could start saying yes to myself. I started taking a look at who/what was affecting me and whether it was a positive or negative impact. I started to search for resources and ask for help. I STARTED.
I can't recall the source but I once saw a quote that said: "You can decide to wake up one day and be a completely different person than you were yesterday."
And you know what? It’s true.
For me, the journey has been about shedding everything I am not, to become who I have always been. Letting go of other people’s judgements and opinions has been a necessary aspect of healing. I forgot that my own opinion and judgement was the most important of all. For years I had been going to bed at night disappointed in only myself, yet I blamed everyone else for my problems. I had been so stuck in my own head I wasn't even able to feel present in the world around me. I’m not talking about being physically present. Have you ever been in the shower, and actually just had a shower? You know, where you complete each task with intention rather than just going through the motions as you obsess about the regrets of yesterday? Not wishing you were somewhere else. Not wondering where you will be tomorrow. Have you ever experienced a shower like that? Felt the warm water trickle down your head, onto your shoulders, down your back, with a clear, peaceful mind? It’s different. I wanted to feel that present at all times - I knew it was possible.
I have been alcohol free for 17 months now. I am navigating recovery through a pandemic, and the other struggles that have come with it. Life still has its fair share of tough times. When I start to feel that things are getting tough I think back to that day. The last day that I woke up hungover, feeling horrible, wondering how I had gotten there. On that day I felt my worst, and managed to make the best of it! Now I choose faith over fear, every single day. It has been since that day that I finally began to "accept the things I can not change." This beautiful perspective inspires me to change what I can! Today, I wake up full of peace. I’m full of passion, purpose, and self worth. I chose to set the direction of my day with my morning routine. I chose to make my health and wellness a priority, because that is my job - I own this property! I choose to continue to grow and learn each day. I choose to educate myself on how to do so. I choose to surround myself with empowering, encouraging, like-minded people. I choose to heal my past, so I can create the best future. I choose to pursue my dreams.
I think back to that little girl I once was, and I’m still her in so many ways. I’m addicted to the joy of living! I love to bring other people joy! My dreams are limitless! But now, I choose ME first.
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